When did consistency become the golden rule?

 “Consistency is key” I’ve heard this more times than I can count especially when it comes to Christian parents punishing their children. Consistency in discipline is often touted as the “secret” to successful parenting. 

Step 1. Create a rule.

Step 2. Tell your child that if they break the rule they will be punished.

Step 3. Punish your child every time they break the rule. No exceptions.

This little formula is the key to successful parenting. Kids need boundaries and they will become confused and spoiled without absolute consistency. Punish a child consistently enough (ie 100% of the time) and they’ll learn to follow not only you, but God. Right?

There’s a lot to unpack here. 

First of all, what if I told you that this formula is actually not in the Bible? 🤯

This is such “common sense” and so ingrained into Christian parenting philosophy that it’s hard to imagine how not following this formula could have any benefit. Most parents have been told that failure to follow these rules will result in their children walking away from the faith. Deep scare tactics have been used to persuade Christian parents that this is the only way to parent well. And while I wholeheartedly agree that following through with your promises and being a reliable and present parent is helpful to foster a relationship with your child, I am at a loss of how this particular aspect of consistency became the key to successful parenting. In fact, all I see is a trap.

-You create unrealistic expectations for your child.

-Just like no child can obey rules perfectly, no parent can enforce rules perfectly.

-You create unrealistic expectations for yourself.

-Any parenting difficulty is met with the advice to “be more consistent.”

-Any child’s rebelliousness seems to be “proof” that the parents weren’t consistent enough.

-You blame yourself for your child’s behavior.

-Your only choice is to become more stringent.

What if your child’s salvation isn’t based on how perfectly you keep a law of consistency?

What if parents are “allowed” to incorporate mercy into their parenting as they see fit, based on wisdom?

Why do we focus so much on the consistency of the discipline but never question whether that discipline in and of itself is wise? 

Why do we feel like it’s wrong to try different approaches if something isn’t working? 

Why do we feel like inconsistency is a sin? 

A Christian parenting blog post I recently read says that enforcing the rule means doing whatever is necessary to enforce, 100% of the time.

It gives no qualifiers, no exceptions, no room for temperament or personality difference, no question that “whatever means necessary” is absolutely required. 

If we are doing something evil, but doing it consistently, does that somehow make it godly?

If we consistently use bad disciplinary practices, are we likely to get a good outcome?

Why are we challenging the consistency rather than the parenting practice itself? 

Personally, I hope my children come to expect mercy from me based on my reputation of being kind and merciful. 

If you believe that consistency is the golden rule, what is your basis for this?

Do you believe that your children’s fundamental motive is to please you or take advantage of you?

What examples of Jesus come to your mind regarding this aspect of parenting?