Is writing this blog really the best use of my time?

It’s 11:45pm and we just got back from a family trip. Both kids are asleep and I’m pretty tired. I need to get to bed I think so I can be rested to take care of the kids tomorrow. If I’m not going to sleep, I should at least be doing something useful and holy, like cleaning the kitchen, right? Except here’s the thing: I don’t want to go to sleep, and I don’t want to clean. I want to write. Is that really the best use of my time? 

Sleep is important. Taking care of kids is important. Cleaning is important(ish). Processing my thoughts and reflecting on my life often feels like a distant luxury rather than a necessity. There are so many things that feel more pressing in order to be a “good wife” or a “good mom.” I didn’t reflect on my day, decisions, motivations, or behavior, but I got the dishes done and the living room cleaned. I didn’t fail at motherhood today! 

Why is motherhood associated with a flurry of activity to the exclusion of reflection and self-understanding? How can we as moms make the best decisions for ourselves and our family if we don’t know the motives we are acting from? For stay at home moms, what safeguards do we have in place to prevent our isolation from producing unhealthy and unchecked patterns of mental spiraling? And are we able to recognize when we have entered crisis mode? 

I believe that reflecting in the form of writing or blogging can help with this. I know that blogging doesn’t result in an impressively clean house or well-cooked meal. I know that writing and reflecting on my life won’t check any traditional “good mother” boxes. 

I believe the story of Mary and Martha—that Jesus would correct a woman “distracted by much serving” and claim that the woman listening to his teaching had chosen the good portion and it wouldn’t be taken away from her—to be just as counterintuitive as it sounds. I can hear the objections now: “ We can’t expect to just sit around all day, right? Wasn’t Martha’s heart in the right place? Martha shouldn’t have been worried, but shouldn’t Mary have still been helping?” 

What if Jesus is the only “god” who would rather be KNOWN than served (as we imagine serving)? What if serving can actually be a legitimate distraction? What if self-imposed standards of service to God actually create judgment towards those who “aren’t doing enough”? What if the focus of the whole gospel is actually what God has done for us in Christ—rather than what we can do for Him?

How can reflection and self-understanding NOT be important to a person whose greatest calling is to know a God who asks us to remove the log in our own eye before pointing out the speck in another, and to love our neighbor as we love ourself? 

The truth is, I have no idea if this blog is the best use of my time. But I trust that it is my justification by faith in Jesus, rather than my service to my family, that is the basis of my peace with God, and I trust that spending time in reflection and self-examination will yield some benefit as a mother, and a Christian, even if those benefits are only known to me and Jesus himself.