Do Christians really believe that “love your enemies” justifies domestic abuse?

 

Reflecting on “Love Your Enemies”

When I was sitting in church today, I was reading over a passage mentioned by the pastor, the famous “love your enemies” passage. This passage is included in Matthew 5-7 in Jesus’s sermon on the mount. Although the pastor only referenced this phrase, I reread the section that describes the kind of love that Jesus expects from his disciples:

“38 You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you not to resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also; 40 if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well; 41 and if someone forces you to go one mile go with him two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor'6-it and ‘Hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,s 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Do not even tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even Gentiles do the same?

48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

As I was reading over the full passage I realized that there was a feeling of tension in my chest at rereading some of these words, and my mind immediately went to the question I’d pushed down many times: “Does this mean I should be ok with abuse from a professing believer in my home?” And its almost as if the ending “be perfect therefore as your Heavenly Father is perfect” implies that a Christian person really would submissively suffer abuse at the hand of a lover, as a sign of being “perfected.”

Misinterpretation of “Love Your Enemies”

Christians are actually so comfortable with thinking this passage is related in any way to abuse that I have actually heard people ask if they should tolerate abuse from spouses in their Bible studies. And though the Bible study leaders are all quick to say no, the truth is that given the framework of most Christians, the answer no isn’t really satisfying. It’s as if on the outside we say “Oh no of course Jesus isn’t justifying abuse!” And then all awkwardly resume polite conversation while thinking to ourselves “Ok, so I guess there are some places then where Jesus’s words just don’t apply?”

The horrible part is that there are many well-intended Christians that think that because Jesus’s words apply at all times and at all places, suffering domestic abuse is a necessary fulfillment of this command. They and their loved ones have suffered greatly because of this misunderstanding.

I too believe that Jesus’s words apply at all times and all places, which is exactly which I think that this passage has everything to do with withholding love and nothing to do with tolerating abuse. I actually think tolerating domestic abuse from other professing believers is exactly the kind of thing we as Christians need to denounce at all costs in order to be a light to the world.

Contextual Understanding of Jesus’s Words

In order to properly understand Jesus’s words, it’s IMPERATIVE to understand the fuller context of Jesus’s message and his understanding of love.

Jesus’s whole message to his listeners is framed in a context that contrasts the lifestyle and expectations of his kingdom with the lifestyle and expectations of religious Jewish life (i.e., scribes and Pharisees.) This is an often misunderstood element of this text. Jesus is not contrasting disciples with pagans but with Jewish religious leaders [1]. Jesus then warns his disciples about how futile their witness will be if they begin to look like the Jews. Next he assures his disciples that his teaching is more lawful than their religious leaders. And he goes on to describe what true fulfillment of the law looks like. It looks like scrutinizing your attitude towards others rather than only managing behavior. [2] It looks like relational reconciliation over religious piety or legal disputes. [3] It looks like genuine concern rather than performative goodness (ie hypocrisy.) [4] It looks like treating others a certain way because of the way you want to be treated, rather than fulfilling obligations for duty’s sake. [5]

This is the standard that Jesus is setting for his disciples. A standard based on relationship to the Father (be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect) rather than the Torah.

Misuse of the Command to Love Enemies

Now when Jesus talks about loving your enemies, he is contrasting this with the idea that love for neighbor is owed but love for enemies can be withheld. Jesus is actually making it immoral to withhold love from anyone, even an enemy. An enemy is contrasted with a neighbor, and a family member. It’s not someone you have a personal relationship with. It’s not someone you are related to (Jesus ASSUMES filial affection in this discussion) [6] In fact, Jesus may as well have condemned domestic abuse in his warning against anger (anyone who says you fool will be in danger of hell.) It’s illegal in God’s kingdom to withhold love from enemies, much less family. And an enemy in this scenario is certainly not someone who professes to be a Christ-follower (loving your enemy is proof of being sons of God, so the enemies themselves are assumed to not also be sons of God.)

Jesus’ understanding of love assumes that even evil parents give good gifts to their children. It assumes that even evil people remain with love for their blood family in tact. Jesus does not ever talk as if parents can hate children, or brothers can hate brothers. Hatred between family members is an indicator that there is in fact no relation (children of God vs the devil). [7]

So no, Jesus’ idea of love, based on his definitions, in no way looks like tolerating domestic abuse. But let’s take this thought process a little farther.

Considering the Golden Rule in Abuse Situations

Let’s assume there is a situation where you are being hurt by someone who claims to love God and you. Let’s apply the “do to others as you would have them do to you” principle.

Would you, as a follower of Christ, truly want someone you love to suffer in silence and continue to play their part in your family as they feel abused by you?

If your answer is yes, you also do not have a correct understanding of love. [8]

The correct answer to this question is no. You don’t want that. Nobody truly in love wants that. It’s actually unthinkable.

It’s actually unthinkable to believe that God cares more about that you look like being a good spouse or family member to protect your Christian spouse’s image than the relational havoc that abuse brings upon everyone involved.

It’s actually unthinkable to believe that the God who sees the heart of the falsely generous and falsely prayerful expects a family to be falsely loving and falsely submissive in order to keep up a facade of righteousness.

It’s actually unthinkable to believe that demonstrating fake love and fake unity and fake holiness to please a fake god would be salt and light to anyone.

So let’s stop wondering if Jesus believes that accepting abuse furthers the agenda of his kingdom, and start wondering what it really means to love our enemies.